We are called to be faithful; to faithfully follow our Lord. But what does one do when human structures and rules mean that might not be possible?

I am facing a dilemma.

If I stay in the LCANZ I have few options and no opportunity to explore a call into ministry.

Yes, I have a role in the ministry at the Lutheran school where I work. I prepare and deliver devotions each week, to both students and colleagues. And I often give the message and blessing at our school worship services. I am also part of the team that supports the chaplain/pastor in the ministry to the community. Being part of these things is life-giving to me. But that is as much as I can do. In the local Lutheran church I can have no significant role.

Having not been born and bred a Lutheran, my experiences through childhood and into adulthood included many women preachers and pastors. I have had a strong awareness that this could be part of God’s plan for my life. Whilst there was a definite sense of ‘not yet’ in God’s timing, the desire was planted nonetheless.

So now, many years later, the journey with my heavenly Father has brought me to this place. I have been able to undertake theological studies. These have gone a long way to satisfy the continual deep spiritual longing that I have lived with for many years. I am now starting to get close to completing my studies. But what happens next?

I find it really hard to sit in church, feeling excluded and unvalued. I struggle each time the pastor, following the liturgy, says “I, as a called and ordained servant of the word. . .” Something deep within wants to scream “but what about me? What if I am also called? Why can’t I?…” But saying anything would only make matters worst. There is an unwritten rule that I, as a woman, cannot be involved. Whilst we were waiting for a new pastor to be called, I knew that I would not be asked to be a lay reader for a Sunday morning service, even though I had a greater theological background than those faithful men who volunteered to serve the community each week.

There is no one within my church congregation with whom I can talk about my calling. So, there is no way to explore and discern what the next stage in my journey might be, once I have finished my studies. (If, after such a process, I feel that I am not being lead into a ministry role, then that is fine; so long as I have been faithful). But how can I be faithful if I cannot even ask the questions?

I have been wrestling with this for some time. I am disappointed and frustrated that I am excluded and marginalised and yet, at the same time, excited by the desire to explore how God might want to use me. So many times I have prayerfully let go of my hopes for future ordained ministry; I have placed them on the altar and walked away. But something always brings me back. And I find myself deeply grieving the potential loss of an essential element of who I am.

So I have a dilemma.

Do I give up the hopes and dreams of a lifetime and wait for things to maybe change here, at some time in the future? Or do I look for guidance and possibilities outside the Lutheran church?

Our heavenly Father loves all his children unconditionally, and calls each of us to faithfully follow his Son, our Lord Jesus. Sometimes the way is hard, and the path hidden, but Jesus has promised that he will journey with us.

Lord, help us to be faithful.