As I thought about sharing my story for the ‘Women at the Well’ website, I noticed how my story has parallels with the Samaritan woman’s story. To show you what I mean, I have shared some of the verses from this passage alongside my story:

Jesus sat down by the well. (John 4:6)

In visiting Samaria and speaking with the Samaritan woman, Jesus acted against societal norms.

When I began reading the United in Christ publication in 2000, I was comfortable within our cultural norms. I had no aspirations to be an ordained pastor within the LCANZ. Then out of the blue, Jesus turned up! God spoke these words into my heart as I read: “Who do you think you are to say what I can and cannot do, and if I need you to be an ordained pastor within the LCA would you be available?”

A Samaritan woman came to draw water. (v7)

So I changed my position and began studies from home towards a Bachelor of Theology. Confident of God’s call, I approached my studies according to my usual pattern: I strove for perfection in the hope that through my quiet achievements I would convince the holders of power that ‘the other’ could do it: I might not be the ‘normal’ pastoral candidate, but perhaps I deserved to be allowed in. I was following God’s call but was still trapped in the shame associated with being female.

Jesus asked her for a drink. (v 7)

In asking a Samaritan woman for a drink, Jesus asserted “you are not the other; you are not shame.”

This sounds like a simple statement, but for me, many things needed to die in order for me to believe this deeply and wholeheartedly.

“You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman.” (v 9)

The woman reminded Jesus of societal rules. Perhaps she sensed Jesus’ invitation towards her own transformation and she wanted to put the brakes on.

For me, facing my shame involved looking at past events for which I had blamed myself. As I faced them in the light of God’s grace, I saw that some of the shame I was wearing was not my own but belonged to others. I also recognised my complicity in upholding a system that is not of God: I had been helping to preserve a culture that decreed where and how my gifts could be used, because it was comfortable for me to not stick out my neck.

Jesus offers living water. (v 10, 13)

To access God’s living, healing water, Jesus’ invited me to a strange place: his tomb. I was like a caterpillar wrapped in a cocoon, becoming slush for a period of time so I could be transformed.

“Sir, give me this water.” (v 15)

In my broken state, I consented to stay in this novel place with its offer of healing. Although so many things didn’t yet make sense, I enjoyed the respite from the sense of shame that had bound me for so long.

“Go, call your husband.” (v16)

As Jesus invited the woman to face her sinfulness, so too I was invited to face mine. Buried beneath my sense of shame were attitudes and beliefs that were not of God.

Within the tomb I began to face my smoudlering anger: in suppressing a sense of injustice about the way our society and our church limit women’s potential, this anger was manifesting as sarcasm, and manipulative behaviour. I also faced the impact of my perfectionism on myself and on others.

“When the Messiah comes, he will explain everything” … “I am he.” (v 25-26)

Like the woman at the well who wasn’t sure if Jesus was the Messiah, when Jesus turns up in unfamiliar ways we don’t always recognise him and the truth he brings.

As my shame was stripped away and I came to terms with my sinfulness, space was cleared to see more of Jesus.

While I was in the tomb with Jesus, I faced many deaths. I continue to follow God’s call on my life with a far greater awareness of my brokenness, and my inability to serve God in my own strength.

I continue on this uncertain path because I hope that I may see my sisters and brothers set free from shame; to hear Jesus say:

“That stuff you’ve been believing to be true about me and about yourself is not my good news. You are free to be your unique self, to respectfully disagree, to screw up, to be offensive at times and to repent. You are free to celebrate the gifts I’ve given you and to have them celebrated by your community. You are free to be honest about your weakness and your failures, and to look to your Christian community for support and healing. You are so free that as you grow into my life you can overlook the weaknesses of others and invite them to know this freedom also. You are free to go and welcome others into my life and restoration.”

Does my story connect with your story? Then please keep the circle going by sharing yours.